Writing, life, politics

An Open Letter To The “Intelligent Designer”

Dear God,

I should perhaps being this letter by admitting that I am myself an atheist who believes the process of evolution as explained by Darwin et al to be the the cause of life on Earth. However, I do accept that there are many people who believe that the human body is the result not of random chance, but of a careful and considered design process led by a omnipotent supreme being.

If this explanation were to be true, then I – as the current sufferer of the syndrome popularly known as a “bad back” – have just one thing to say.

What the hell were you thinking when you turned the human backbone through ninety degrees? After all, by doing so, you so totally changed the way in which it operated that you were taking it way, way, way beyond the original scope of the design. Are we expected to believe that you were unaware of this? Does the concept of structures being designed to be in either compression or tension* mean nothing to you? Did you figure, oh what the heck, just take what we’ve got and flip it to the vertical, it’ll be fine, no one will notice?

I’ve noticed. Trust me.

I think my current degree of disgust in best described in pictures.

I think it’s probably obvious how the backbone is supposed to work, even before you find your two minute lunchtime walk to the shop turned into an epic journey worthy of a David Lean biopic!

In the 1970s, people used to talk of certain, mechanically unreliable cars being a “Friday afternoon special”, indicating that they’d been knocked out at the very end of a week by a workforce who only wanted to get the job finished and sod off for the weekend.

I’m beginning to think that the human body was a Saturday evening special.

Yours, a very dissatisfied customer,

Jonny Nexus

* And yes, I do know that strictly speaking a dog’s backbone can’t be compared with a suspension bridge, and it isn’t under tension in the way that a suspension bridge’s cable is. But you only have to look at a dog to know instantly that that’s how a backbone is supposed to be oriented.

1 Comment

  1. John

    But don’t most designs suffer from feature creep at some point?

    See also the appendix, the throat (air and food crossing over), redundancy on some organs but not others, urination, etc.

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